Randy's laundry chute, with something hanging out of it
Randy's Laundry Chute presents

The Winter
Geriatric
Games

Ten bar events. One night. Athletes well past their prime, competing for glory, medals, and the Golden Chute. Hanging low since 2026.

I've got an invite → See the events
When
Winter 2027 — date TBA
Where
A bar with a shuffleboard table
Dress code
Bathrobes & slippers
Orthopedic footwear encouraged.

The Events

Every athlete enters at least three. Points awarded for placing in each event; the most points overall takes home the Golden Chute.

The Hardware

Medals presented at the closing ceremony, assuming everyone is still awake.

1

Gold

Eternal glory. Bragging rights until next winter.

2

Silver

So close. Blame your knees.

3

Bronze

Podium is a podium. Use the handrail.

🧺

The Lint Trap

Last place overall. Must display it at home until next year.

How To Get In

The Games are invite only. The commissioner keeps a very short list and a very long memory (selectively).

Get an invite

You'll receive a link or a six-character code from the commissioner. Guard it like your pension.

Register

Pick your Olympic name, the nation you represent, your events, and your robe size.

Show up & stretch

Arrive early. Warm up. Locate the bathroom. Then locate it again.

Official Rules

Ratified by the International Geriatric Games Committee (Randy).

  1. Opening ceremony is a parade of nations in bathrobes. Flag optional, robe mandatory.
  2. Naps are permitted between events but not during them.
  3. All disputes are settled by Randy, whose rulings are final and frequently wrong.
  4. "Back in my day" may be invoked once per event without penalty. Twice is a yellow card.
  5. Forfeits due to a pulled hamstring count as a loss and a valuable life lesson.
  6. Trash talk is encouraged but must be audible to the hard of hearing.
  7. Performance enhancers are limited to coffee, ibuprofen and fiber supplements.
  8. Walk-up songs must have been released before the athlete's first mortgage.
  9. Bedtime is no later than the bar's last call. Probably earlier.
  10. What happens at the laundry chute stays at the laundry chute.

The Field

Registered athletes, by Olympic name.

Loading the athletes…